Have you ever had the day from hell? When more or less everything that could go wrong, did go wrong?
Do you ever think that you struggle to hold down your job? Do you ever think that you are absolutely useless and it’s only a matter of time before your ineptitude is discovered?
Well, trust me, you will never approach the levels achieved in the 1680s by Jack Ketch, the King’s Executioner:
On July 21st 1683, Jack attempted to execute Lord Russell. The story comes from the incomparably named “Great B#stards of History: Famous Illegitimate Children Who Went on to Achieve Greatness”. That title was the winning entry in the “Book Title of the Week” competition last week. Here’s Jack:
“Ketch wielded the axe with such lack of simple dexterity that the victim suffered horrifically under blow after blow, each excruciating but not in itself lethal. The gory display created such outrage that Ketch felt moved to write and publish a pamphlet in which he excused his performance with the claim that Lord Russell had failed to “place himself as was most suitable” and that he was therefore distracted while taking aim on his neck.”
Blame anything. Blame anybody. The victim. The bad weather, A loudly barking dog. My little brother. Never admit you are a total incompetent.
Two years later, on July 15th 1685, Ketch was given the job of lopping off the head of James Scott, the Duke of Monmouth.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the man.” as they say. The execution of Lord Russell was a smooth job, slickly done, compared to what would happen with the Duke of Monmouth. But Jack Ketch could not turn down this opportunity for a comeback.
This was the big one. The climax of his career. Tower Hill in London. Thousands and thousands of people watching. And big money if he did it right.
I’ll tell you very soon exactly what happened.
John Knifton 
Great, suspenseful, post, John
Thank you, Derrick. Just wait until the next instalment. As they say, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
I read that the man who beheaded Thomas Cromwell made a bit of a mess of it but there is a suspicion that he was paid to do so by the Duke of Norfolk.
I didn’t know that but it sounds plausible. I think the Duke of Norfolk was a Catholic and Cromwell was one of the main figures in England’s not being Catholic so it would fit. Jack Ketch was not paid to be dreadful. however. It was his very own lack of talent shining through!
A self made man!
I’ve seen that first photo before – but jeez, I still can’t figure out how she did it!! haha Good post, John.
Thank you! Like you, I wondered what she had done. I think she was in a car park which was above the level of the street. She did some manoeuvring and ended up backing her car down the steps provided for people to walk down to street level.
OMG – and I’ll bet she still has her license!!
I’ll be waiting. Love the pictures.
I think the pictures are what the Internet does best. Finding you a situation or an event that you had never even imagined. A cat playing the piano or a dog surfing. In this case it’s somebody even worse at manoeuvring a car than I am….and that’s saying something!
Gruesome. A bad workman always blames his tools.
You’ll enjoy the next one. Jack has to find all kinds of excuses for the problems he has with the Duke of Monmouth!!
Good Lord, he really was the wrong man for the job. Was there no-one else available??
REPLY: I don’t think there were that many people willing to step forward. It was just a pity that Jack Ketch did!!
A gruesome job. How did such a man sleep at night without seeing their accusing heads?
I really don’t know. On the other hand, history has taught us that they were never short of people to operate the gas chambers or to load the slave ships.
I heard somewhere that many executioners botched their jobs. Wielding such heavy and cumbersome axes onto such a small target was difficult. He sounds completely incompetent though and knowing he was your man, would no doubt give you the jitters to say the least! Can’t wait to see the outcome!
Oh you tease!
But I am sooooo worth waiting for!
I’ll have to take your word for that!
Oh come on! You can’t leave us hanging like that.
Oh no! He won’t be hanging him. It’s going to be the axe and plenty of it!
Poor, poor executioner. I feel sooooo sorry for him…
Well, I definitely feel sorry for his “customers!”
Absolutely! It’s bad enough having your head chopped off but it’s even worse when the execution is performed by somebody who, four hundred years later, would have been the very worst golfer in the area.
Hell indeed for the victims.
I don’t think customer satisfaction was high on the list for many of the public executioners – they do seem to have been a particularly useless bunch.